Anyway, here is the blog... I get diverted in the 2nd sentence. Jeez.
My life is a perpetual quest for personal growth, for becoming the best me. Now that I put it that way, I suppose there is an element of egoism. But on further reflection, I think one of my strong suits is being balanced. Balanced between being self-centered and focused on others' needs and wants. You know, typical male and female orientations. Oh, I am a woman and I do not want to be a man. But I know lots of women who just can't even figure out how they feel because they are so outwardly directed, never considering themselves. I'm sure they feel they are being their best selves by giving to others. I am definitely not that way. I even tend to dislike martyrs. But on the other hand, I'm a social worker. An enlightened one. :) haha
I didn't go to MSW grad school until I was in my 40s. I'm not in it to save the world. When it comes to adults, I believe in progress through individual change. I started out to be a clinical SW to work with adults and families by empowering and facilitating the personal growth process. But it is the individual's responsibility. I was just there to help. And I would still be doing that if I could stand to be in a small room with another person all day. I knew my extravert-ism could be a real problem. If I could work with groups, maybe. But I love doing a variety of things, working with team members, getting out and about. So the positive side is that school social work is almost perfect for me.
A sidelight on this (okay, actually another diversion, but I'm trying to camouflage that) is that I was also worried that my dislike of victim-y people would be a real problem for me as a potential therapist, too. But it really wasn't. Once I worked with some -- victims of all sorts -- I felt differently. There is power in being a victim. I never saw that before.
Well, anyway, back to me, says the egoist. Recently I read an article about weight loss that intrigued me and even made really good sense. She says that the state of mind is truly critical in weight loss and that a feeling of abundance is key. One example is how often overweight people lose weight when they are in the early stages of love. hmmmmm. So true, but I haven't had romance as a diet ally for quite a while. :) But her thesis fits with what I want to feel anyway, so I noted the titles of some of her books. The one that seemed most in keeping with the article is The Joy Diet. After reading chapter 1, I see it isn't focusing on weight loss at all, just on having a wonderful life. So, I thought, well, that's good enough. haha
The first step is to have 15 minutes of Nothing daily. I've often done this anyway, but more hit and miss, and for longer or shorter periods. And I have always loved it. I've been doing it faithfully for the last few days and find that wonderful insights can come during that time. Connections that wouldn't be spotted without allowing the mind to wander and find them. Moments of joy and gratitude. Ahhhhh.
And while I am blogging away, I think of how more primitive people, people in third world countries, people who aren't frenetically DOING every minute have this luxury often. I think our society loses in so many ways, but I am especially concerned about the pace. Kids are way too over-programmed unless they have really perceptive parents. Most kids are being taught not to be reflective, not to be self-aware.
A little more about being self-centered or other-focussed. According to me, we need both and we each need to be both. But mental health diagnoses don't really present a balanced view on this, due to male perspective over the years. Male perspective culturally and personally. The DSM (diagnostic and statistical manual used for mental health diagnoses) lists a personality disorder called dependent personality disorder. The poster "child" for this would be an old fashioned mother whose job is caring for others and who puts those others' needs way before her own. Interestingly, there is no "INdependent" personality disorder because the powers that be think you just can't be too independent. ha! Being a career-oriented man who uproots his family to pursue advancement without regard for their well being and who never has time to spend with or do things for wife or family is not a picture of mental health. Fortunately, the dads who refused to do diapers, cook or tuck kids in at night are no longer the norm. I am impressed by all the men my age or younger who somehow learned to be nurturers without any role models. My brother is one. I'm amazed at this incredible sea change when I compare his (and the husbands of my friends) parenting style to my dad's and the generation before.
And truly, I think as a society we need to help people to find this balance within somehow, to be both self-centered and other-focussed. In the past, with a mom and a dad in every family, we could have one parent as the standard setter/disciplinarian and one as the nurturer. Now we have lots of single mom parents who only know how to be the nurturer and don't have that balance. They get run over by their kids. And yes, we do have some absolutely fabulous single moms, like my friend Jan. But most women aren't taught how to be firm and demanding when it is needed.
I said taught in that last sentence, didn't I? So does that mean it is simply a matter of nurture? I don't know. I want to think so, but I really suspect that there is some nature involved, too. I remember reading about a woman who took testosterone -- I think for a part in a movie, maybe about a sex change. During an interview, she said life was so simple when she had worked up to the higher doses. She could just walk across a room to her goal. She compared it to her usual state -- having a goal across the room, but on the way to it being bombarded and strongly pulled by inputs about how all the others in the room were feeling and doing -- sad faces, empty plates, someone standing alone, someone who might trip -- all needing her attention.
I'm not promoting egoism, just balance. But here is the definition, so you'll know at least I'm not an egotist.
egoism |ˈēgōˌizəm|
noun Ethics
an ethical theory that treats self-interest as the foundation of morality.
ORIGIN late 18th cent.: from French égoïsme and modern Latin egoismus, from Latin ego ‘I.’
USAGE The words egoism and egotism are frequently confused, as though interchangeable, but there are distinctions worth noting. Both words derive from Latin : ego (‘I’), the first-person singular pronoun. Egotism, the more commonly used term, denotes an excessive sense of self-importance, too-frequent use of the word 'I,' and general arrogance and boastfulness. Egoism, a more subtle term, is perhaps best left to ethicists, for whom it denotes a view or theory of moral behavior in which self-interest is the root of moral conduct. An egoist, then, might devote considerable attention to introspection, but could be modest about it, whereas an egotist would have an exaggerated sense of the importance of his or her self-analysis, and would have to tell everyone.
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