Sad stories.

It was the sort of week where you are urgently needed every minute...  and when you aren't, you're telling someone about the latest thing.  It was also an incredibly emotional week with an event evoking personally painful memories, and also causing fresh grief.

First was the notice on Tuesday by email that a boy in Esther's BD room would learn on Wednesday night that he would not be adopted by the family that had planned to do so.  This is a boy I have known about and known since he was a preschooler in Creston; he's now the age of a 3rd grader.  DHS has been abysmal with him.  His mom's BF wrote dirty words on his head and bottom with marker when he was a preschooler and it never got better.  DHS worked with this family forever.  Gave mom ultimatums for a few years to leave the BF or lose the kid(s).  After at least 4 years of this, they were planning to reconcile him with his mom who was pregnant yet again.  BTW, mom is not capable of independent living and has a service provider for her own self.  At the time they were moving toward reconciliation, Esther wrote a letter to the court detailing X's behaviors after home visits.  It should be noted that DHS never asked for info from the school!  Finally, based on Esther's letter, the court decided to terminate rights. 

 The adoptive family came to X's IEP meeting last fall.  It was obvious that they are well-intentioned people who didn't have a clue about this boy.  I can say this, having been there, done that.  I think most people who aren't actually in the biz think these kids just need a good home and they will be fine.  X still can't count with one-one correspondence -- a Kindergarten skill. Parents weren't bombarded at the IEP meeting, but they did get an eye/earful.  I myself gave the message that X needed to be loved for who he is.  I believe everyone on the team except the adoptive parents knew that they were not the right family for this boy.

And now the adoptive parents have decided that.  I hate them for the mean things they told him.  Like his birth mom didn't love him or want him.  Like he'd have to go to residential if he didn't behave.  And because they obviously love the little infant girl they adopted much more than X.  I called them several times right after X told us about their telling him his birth mom didn't love him.  I wanted to give them some advice about that.  I called both cell phones and home phone.  Never got a call back.  

Anyway, X would be able to understand that they are not the right parents for him and I feel confident he would also chose to terminate if they would have told him in therapy which they did, and then take him home for a few days, which they didn't.  He didn't even go home at all, but to a place for kids in serious crisis.  That brings us to the absolute worst part.  He didn't get to come to school the next day.  School where he has been in the BD room for 3 year and which is more home to him than any place.  I cried several times when I found out what had happened to him and it was so much worse for Esther.  Oh, I can't believe what this little boy is going through.  And for no good reason.

Esther got his number so we could call him at a break in his day in Des Moines.  He told us they were helping him there with his anger.  OH!  He has every right to be FURIOUS!  And instead, they are making his feelings be his fault.  All I can do is shake my head and cry about this.  The stupid upheaval in his life.  And the way they just move him without regard for his needs to process and to say good bye to his teacher and friends.  ("Teacher" doesn't begin to cover what all Esther means to him.)  I worry that he will think relationships are easy come/easy go and will stop bonding.

The hurt for me is magnified by having been on the receiving end of this sort of swift transfer when a boy I planned to adopt was removed.  He was taken during the day from school and I was notified he would not be returning.  It was heart-breaking.  I was finally allowed to say good-bye to him about 6 months later.  I was told this was the first time a good-bye was even allowed, so there must have been lots of painful endings for lots of children and parents.

He was a 3rd grader who had been in a hospital/day treatment program less than 6 months before he came to me.  I was NOT told that.  He had serious ADHD and explosive angry outbursts.  He took meds for ADHD plus imipramine and maybe some others that I don't remember.  Right after he came to me, he started having situations where his heart pounded so hard that his ped cardiologist decided to take him off the meds.  He needed those meds, tho.  He was hyperactive all the time with moments of explosive anger thrown in.  I was a stupidly optimistic and untried parent.  The second day he had a tantrum and kicked some bedding plants over, and I slapped his arm.  I told the worker right away, but that was never brought up again.  I did slap him a few more times and once when he was going crazy, I grabbed him and scratched his neck in the process.  His instant rages and tantrums scared the shit out of me.  I did get myself under control after almost 3 months, and I did my best with him.  But I did it on my own.  The worker never again talked to me of any concerns.  And I didn't bring it up again.  I was always so ashamed of myself for hitting a kid.  

Anyway, his school was not offering him a BD program.  They weren't actually following his IEP as written.  He was in a social skills group with the school counselor, tho.  One of the boys in the group also attended the same day care after school.  One day that boy took B to task during the social skills group for not remembering anything.  (It was true.  He couldn't remember anything.  I don't know if it was due to the ADHD and not being on meds for it or what.)  Anyway, the boy said that B didn't even remember that he had kicked B 1-2 evenings before at day care and made the huge bruises on his arms.  DHS decided that I had caused the bruises, maybe with my thumb, even though they were caused by the tip of a sneaker and were bigger than a thumb.  I denied it, but at the time I didn't know about the boy's revelation at social skills.  DHS snatched him from school and then told me he would never be coming home.  I was a complete wreck, but somehow made a stink and got the Foster Care Review Board (kids are in foster care until the adoption is final)involved  Even though they could not control DHS, I hoped they would put pressure on them.  They did support me, but to no avail.  The school counselor verified what she had heard.  It did no good.  He was gone.  DHS even tried to say that they had never had a plan for me to adopt him.  They said I was just a foster parent and there was no plans for adoption, even though that had always been the plan.  For example, his worker and I had decided he would go by Applegate from the start of the school year instead of waiting for the adoption to go through.  

I'm not saying I was right.  But I did my best.  I did it without the help -- actually I think they were a hindrance -- of DHS.  I hate to think that I caused more hurt and disruption for this boy.  I mostly have felt that I truly filled an important need in his life at that time, even though it wasn't a long lasting relationship.  I pray for him every night.  

He is now 21.  After X was moved, I paid for a search of B on the internet.  He still lives with the adoptive family he went to the next year after he lived with me.  I wonder why there is no college address or apartment address.  I'm worried about him.  I'm wondering why he still lives at home.  I can feel him think of me once in a great while.  I know I was just a short stop in his life -- less than 6 months.  But I still love him.  And pray he is well.

This all began on Feb. 25.  I started writing the following weekend and finally completed this two weeks later.