Need to be needed.

This has been an incredibly hectic week. Lots of kids going haywire meaning lots of calls, meetings, plans, and re-plans. All with a sense of urgency. I had to drink maalox TWICE during the night last night. I guess it is a sign of old age or stress or bad eating habits -- in my case all 3 haha -- when you keep a bottle of that on your night table.

Not to be contradictory, but I do love it, tho. The rushing around, the explaining and persuading, the air snapping with electricity because everyone else is probably even more urgent and electrified than I am. I think it is my go to persona of persuader/advocate/mediator that gets called up and activated. It isn't that i would need to get so electrified, just that that aspect of me does groove on it. Plus, I can secretly laugh at the misconceptions others have and revel in my skill at explaining, getting people to agree, and controlling meetings. I do LOVE it. It is why I am a social worker.

It's too bad that now that I am finally getting really good at being a school social worker, it is almost time to retire. That's another contradiction. Being on top of the game at the same time that I'm starting to disengage. A bittersweet moment. But short-lived. Because I am so looking forward to OWNING my own life. Oh, the very idea of doing something - anything - everything I want to do! It is simply amazing. I can almost touch it. I have such hopes and dreams for it. And fears, too. I want to expand, to enjoy, to try, to adventure. But, what if I just follow the pattern of the women in my family and narrow and constrict my life instead? Worst case: me, the TV, books and food. Best case: going on safari in Africa, waking up in Paris with someone I love, teaching and inspiring, creating art, learning, being athletic. Plus TV, books and food. haha

I suppose the next contradiction will be the physical and maybe also mental inability to do those wonderful expansive things I finally have in my grasp. Finally having the time, money, and finally being willing to take the risks, and then maybe not being able to. That would be very sad. Hmmm, I think I mentioned the fear of being left behind or losing out in my first blog. Sounds like it is maybe a theme at this time in my life. But maybe there is always something like that driving us. When I talked to Kara on Sunday, she said she has plans for more half marathons and she said several times that she wants to do that while she can. I didn't think she meant physically able, more like having the time, the youth, the freedom. But there is always something to lose. Does that make whatever it is more precious? I hope so.